By James Barber, Registered Psychotherapist & Couples Counsellor

Physical distancing is creating its own physical, emotional and mental health hurdles for us to overcome. And of course, the uncertainty around COVID-19 - this intangible, invisible threat to most of us – leaves us all a little bit “shook.” We’re re-evaluating where our sense of control lies, and which things truly matter to us.

This is a scary time for a lot of us, and we’re doing our best to cope in our own way.

The stress and anxiety we’re experiencing right now might not be as evident anywhere else as clearly as it is in our closest relationships.

If you live with your partner, and before COVID-19 the two of you had been struggling to connect, then being isolated at home together is likely amplifying that feeling.

It can be especially distressing, and even disorienting, when the person we most want to feel reassured by, and to feel connected with as a teammate, seems unavailable to us. And yet, We all have an innate need for love – this emotional bond that stabilizes our lives and gives purpose to our relationships. As Erica Jong wrote,

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.

Perhaps in this time of distancing, taking steps to strengthen love is all the more worth the risk. The question is, are you ready to take that risk?

Here are three questions to help you and your partner re-connect at a time when you may feel more isolated than ever:

Question #1: How can I be more open with my partner right now?

Openness has to do with our ability to demonstrate true vulnerability with someone else. It’s about choosing, in the moment, to risk trusting someone with your inner thoughts, your deepest fears and needs.

In other words, it’s really freaking hard!

Most of us have grown up believing that vulnerability is weakness, and weakness should be avoided whenever possible. The truth though, is that being vulnerable with someone is a strength - a gift that takes incredible courage. It showcases and displays our love and it invites our partner to do the same. It creates pathways for greater intimacy and connection.

At the same time, you simply can’t have a love connection in your relationship without taking the risk of being hurt. And the deeper the connection, the greater the risk.

Start this conversation by laying some foundation; what do each of you need in order to feel safe? Remember that it’s okay to do it in stages. Schedule a time when you’re less likely to be distracted or feel depleted. Take breaks when needed. Focus on other needs as they surface and come back together later.

Take lots of deep breaths and do your best to stay connected with each other even when you’re feeling afraid, angry or hurt.

Talking together like this takes lots of emotional energy and practice.

It also raises the uncomfortable question, “I might learn to be more open, but how do I know if my partner will really listen to me?” Well, that’s the risk part.

Question #2: Do I listen to understand or do I listen to reply?

Partner A: “You’re not getting what I’m saying!”

Partner B: “I do get what you’re saying… I just don’t agree with it!”

Sound familiar?

Listening to your partner share something personal is rarely a surface-level interaction. Listening is not simply about hearing words and responding to them from your own point of view. In fact, thinking this way is one of the reasons why we think communicating with our partner should be easy, and we’re genuinely surprised when it’s not.

When we’re listening in order to reply, arguments can look like a tennis match. You hit the ball back and forth trying to make the perfect shot to win the point. And just like in any competitive sport, the tension builds and builds to a final breaking point.

But here’s the rub: when was the last time you felt you really “won” something after a serious fight with your partner?

When we listen with the goal of understanding, our focus shifts. We slow down our eagerness to respond so we can hear the deeper messages beneath the words. We take our time wrestling through some uncomfortable truths. Sometimes our partner might be really saying,

I feel really alone right now. Do you care about me? I feel defeated, exhausted, and hurt. I’m not sure that you’re there for me.

This can be unbelievably hard for us to hear.

But listening for these deeper, emotional cues from our partner will help us make critical and kinder decisions in the moment. Can we do this?

Question #3: Can I be there for my partner when they need me?

When our partner is upset or in distress, it often triggers our own ‘danger’ alarms. We feel intense stress, and we can react the same way people have been reacting to stress since the dawn of our existence - Fight, Flight or Freeze.

We fight because we feel unjustly blamed. We think the best defense is a good offense, and we can get confrontational - loud, angry, and accusatory. Or we can get (infuriatingly) quiet, calculating, and overly reliant on logic to prove our point.

We run or hide because we feel shame. We start to question whether we’re “failing”, no longer good enough and we wonder if our partner would be better off without us.

We freeze because we feel overwhelmed and out of control. We go into system shutdown to protect ourselves and our partner. We can get cold, ‘professional’, distant and aloof.

There are times we can’t be there for our partner, not in the way they need, and not in the way we want to be. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own stuff that we just don’t have enough caretaking energy left for our partner.

And this is okay.

Of course, being responsive to our partner’s emotional needs is about “showing up” for them even when it’s uncomfortable for us. But it’s also about circling back to our partner when we know we dropped the ball. It means owning our mistakes and repairing any damage done. When we learn how to heal our relationship screw-ups, it actually makes the relationship stronger and more resilient than it was before.

If these questions and thoughts resonate with you, but feel a bit overwhelming, or seem difficult to carry out, please don’t think you have to do this on your own. Perhaps it might be the right time to speak with a couples counsellor. - either alone or as a couple. You can contact us today to let us know how we can help. And remember that when it comes to your self-care, there’s only ONE health.

Book your complimentary consult today: https://onehealthservices.janeapp.com/#/counselling